Trapped.

In this life you have two choices; to rebel, or to follow.  When life is wonderful you go with the flow, you smile, you feel like you're on cloud nine. But what happens when life turns the other way and you feel like you can't get away, you're limited, and you feel like you've lost your wings and can no longer fly? That's when you rebel.  You take matters into your own hands and make the decisions for yourself. You find out who and what will define you.  Don't let it be someone who hurts you, who makes you cry, or who doesn't understand your heart.  Let it be someone who will always be there with you when you can't stop crying because the thought of one thing brings tears to your eyes, who will always reassure you that things will be alright, who, no matter what, will love you regardless of where you come from.

I find these walls a prison.  I feel trapped in this place.  I'm like a butterfly sealed into a jar who can't fly when all my life that's what I've been taught to do.  How will I learn if I'm not released into the world? When I'm not here I'm happy.  I forget about these things and for once I am me. Most of the time though,  I put on a smile and act like everything is okay when in reality my heart aches of sorrow that I can't get away from.  When I twist that key and take my first step through that door I feel a wave of depression come about me and I feel trapped.

How do I find the words to set myself free? I'm a fragile soul who deep down cares more than he'll ever know but he'll never see that happiness because he always causes it to drift away and make the tears appear.  He'll never know that I enjoy being around him and that I enjoy conversations with him.  He'll never know because he spends to much time finding the negatives and yelling about them to other people when it's not their fault anymore than it is his.

This cage I am in has to be broken and the only way to do that is rebel and be who I am regardless of what he says. I am a woman.  I am not his 7 year old daughter sitting on his knee anymore. He's raised me to be strong. He's raised me to know right from wrong. He's raised me to make wise decisions.  But how will he ever know the proof of all his hard work if he never untwists the lid off the jar?

I Love Video Games.

Tonight is a guys night. You don't get this very often because all your friends are in the service honoring our country.  You invite me over on a guys night and even though I know full well that it's me and your computer all night while you and your boys yell at your tv screens, I am still thrilled to come over.  You kiss me at random times during the night and you whisper in my ear I love you.  You wonder how I can possibly stand being in a room of 21 year old boys playing video games for hours on end but I'm not just in a room full of boys, I am also in a room with the man I love with all my heart.  I may not have your full attention but just a little attention will suffice for me; a kiss every now and then means more to me than you think; and the whispering i love yous makes my heart beat faster than ever.  As i sit here and watch you play with your boys and you say thank you times a million I can't stop but think that I will marry the biggest nerd ever and that he has the biggest nerd friends ever. 

But regardless of all the screaming, nerdiness, and gun shots radiating in this room, I love video games.  Your mind tries to understand the complexity of how in the world I could ever love such things but the answer is simple. 

You love video games and I love you, therefore, I love video games. 

<3

Tis' The Season...

To smile your biggest smile.
To love with all you have.
To share you happiness.
To snuggle on the couch.
To cuddle under the covers.
To sing you heart out.
To dance like no one is watching.
To let go of frustration.
To give your heart to someone.
To hug with all your might.
To fall head over heels.
To hold someone's hand.
To celebrate someone's presence.
To listen to your heart.
To have tickle fights.
To have a snowball fight.
To watch a million movies.


I know what I'm planning to do this season...do you? <3

Love Is. Love Does Not. Love Will. Love Never. Love Always.

I've finally found you. I finally know what love means. I finally know what it's like to smile and not cry. I finally feel wanted and needed in this world.

Words can't begin to explain this unstoppable feeling I have when I'm with you. I feel like I can reach the stars.  I feel like I'm driving down the highway at 100mph with you without any intention of stopping.  There's no end in sight.

I never listened to my parents or my friends when they said that "love will come when you least expect it" but that's just it...it does.  People think that love is luck but let me tell you. Yeah, love might seem like the hardest thing to find, but if it were easy to find then finding it wouldn't make you feel so alive.  It wouldn't be cherished. It wouldn't be indescribable. It wouldn't be worth living for.

I could go on and on about the wonderful things about love and the joy it brings you but no matter what I say no one will understand because the way I describe our love is only understandable by the two people who are in love.  Every love is different and love means something different to everyone. Personally, love to me means putting the other person's happiness above your own.  Giving and providing for that person with no intentions of receiving anything in return.

Love is not proud. Love does not boast. Love after all matters the most.  Love does not run.  Love does not hide. Love does not keep locked inside.  Love is the river that flows through.  Love with sustain. Love will provide. Love will not cease at the end of time. Love will protect. Love always hopes.  Love still believes when you don't. Love is the arms that are holding you. Love is right here. Love is alive. And love is a place you will fly to.... Love never fails you.


Nothing is greater than this.....right here....right now. <3

All Around Me.

Everyday on campus I see couples everywhere. 

Holding hands. 

Arms around each other. 

Kissing. 

Eating lunch together. 

Walking to class together. 

When I see these people I think of you and how we could be doing the exact same thing. Spending every waking minute together, watching movies and studying together.  I think of how perfect it would be to not have to have you drive an hour both ways every weekend just so we can see each other. How perfect it would be to not have to use skype.  How perfect it would be to never miss you.

But then I see couples who... 

Fight. 

Don't hold hands. 

Come into my work, sit down to eat, and don't say a word to each other. 

Cheat on each other when they're drunk at frat parties. 

When I see these people I think of how grateful I am that I don't have to ever about experiencing any of that with you. Not spending every waking minute with you, watching movies and studying together sucks, yes, it sucks a lot.  I think of how much it means to me that you actually want to drive an hour both ways on the weekends just to see me instead of coming up with an excuse to stay home.  I'm thankful for skype because without I would not make it through the week without seeing the face of the man I love so much.  And then I think about how perfect it is that I do miss you, that I have something to look forward to, and that the times that we do spend together on the weekends are such a precious time together.  

3 more years of this to come and I'm ready to get through those years so that I can finally start my life with you.  

Forever and Always <3 

Colors of My Life.

College. Family. Boyfriend. Friends. 4 things. All of equal importance.

College is going well, just stressful around this time because of midterms and papers but that's to be expected.  Stats still sucks even though on mondays homework I got 100% WHOOP WHOOP. :D My other classes are alright...nothing special really. I'm maintaining an average grade and honestly, I'm perfectly fine with that.  I often find myself not pushing myself 100% because I'm satisfied with only pushing myself 85%.  The living situation, not going exactly as I had planned.  I'm not sleeping well at night and I wake up as exhausted as I was the night before, if not more exhausted.  Compromising happening? nope. ugh this subject pisses me off so lets move on...

Family right now is better than it was before.  My dad and I went through a time when we were both pissed at each other and I didn't feel the want to talk to him so I didn't.  I didn't feel the need to apologize to him because I didn't do anything wrong in my eyes.  So I waited for him to call me first.  It took him about a week to realize that I wasn't calling him first and that the ball was in his court.  He called, actually apologized, and we're now fine. :) Mom is coming up to Longwood today to take me out to dinner and to go grocery shopping! YAY <3

My boyfriend is amazing.  All positive things to say here for sure.  We're coming up on our 6 months which is this coming Sunday the 24th!  The distance is sometimes hard to deal with when I'm stressed and I just need a hug but the way I see it is that the time we are not together makes the time we are together that much more special....cliche, but true.  6 months of perfectness and I am definitely in love. <3 Forever and Always!

I miss my friends A LOT. I'm so busy nowadays that I hardly see my friend Courtney and she's on campus here with me. :(  I miss my friends at VCU: Heather, Chelsea, Amy, Jared, and Rachel.  All my guard friends... :( The Colony starts up soon and all of then save Heather are doing it and I don't know what I'm going to do...if I did spin The Colony I would see them almost every weekend but that would then cut down on my time with Khris and I definitely don't want to do that...so I don't know, time will tell. Auditions are on Nov. 6th so I have some time to think about it.

Well that is all for now... much love <3

Come On Baby....Let's Fall.

As I am sitting here on your bed with you, you're playing Halo Reach with your brother Jamie and I'm sitting here saying to myself what a goofy, nerdy boyfriend I have :P but you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

The other day, you told me you were listening to the radio about other girls and how they hated being called "pet" names...i however, love them :D I love being called beautiful, baby, pumpkin, and whosabooboo (inside joke lol) I'd rather be called those names than a degrading name that most guys use.

You and me, yea we're one of kind.

All it took for me was a few months, some late starry nights, a few movie dates, your family, and some music for me to realize our heartbeats were the same. I am head over heels in love.  I never thought that I would EVER find something so real, so special, so perfect.

People always say that every couple has there fights and disagreements, and I'm sure we will have them in the future, but for right I'm focusing on the relationship we have now without any fights or disagreements.

So as I lay here in your arms, I wish this moment to last forever but it will soon pass and I will have to go back to Longwood but for tonight, lets fall in love with each other all over again. <3

Forever and Always. <3

Life As I Know It.

It's been over a month since I've last blogged but only because i'm SOOOOO busy getting adjusted to college. My classes are going great, except for my math class, ugh. I am now attending BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries) weekly and writing for the Longwood newspaper, The Rotunda. I love it here, the people, the classes, the activities, everything.  Of course I have been able to manage to get myself home every weekend since I've been here but oh well, its for a good reason, Khris! :)

Khris and I are doing phenomenal! I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend <3 The distance is manageable even though we skype every night and see each other every weekend.  With our busy schedules put together we hardly speak throughout the day but its at night when we get to skype that I cherish most.  We're going on 5 months now and I've never been happier.

Home is crappy, so let's not talk about that.

This weekend is Fall Break and I'm heading home to stay with Khris for the weekend! Becca's birthday is on monday so I'll be partying up her 19th year of life with her Monday night with all our friends!

Off to the infamous Dhall to get some grub before English.

Till next time,
Shelbs.

College! :)

I have officially been in school for 2 weeks now and I can honestly say that the feeling of "college" did not hit me until tonight.  Tonight I went to 2 different activities, BCM which is Baptist Collegiate Ministries and it was AWESOME! They had a "home-cooked" meal which was pleasant change from the routine meals at the Dining Hall.  After dinner, we all played games and got to talk and get to know each other. We then sat down for a 10 minute devotional followed by some awesome praise and worship songs.  Unfortunately, I had to leave about 15 minutes early to make it to my next activity of the night on time.  The Rotunda is the schools newspaper which is also affiliated with The Rotunda Show which is a live film show on campus and a Radio Show also conducted by students at Longwood.  At first, I was kind of skeptic about going because I was never involved with the newspaper at my high school or never did anything film related. To my surprise, the meeting was amazing; nothing like what I expected! They were extremely nice and understood that I wanted to get involved but not on a high level just yet.  Luckily, I was able to snag a low key story that's more of an interview type story...I get to interview the new staff members of The Rotunda! Its not much but everyone has to start somewhere.... right? :)  

So as of right now, I love college. I miss my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, yes, but this life of being on my own and doing my own thing, responsibly at that, is just what I imagined it would be.  Now I truly understand the meaning of making good friendships with the right people....I've made awesome friends here who are all involved in different clubs and organizations on campus and I've only benefited from it. 

Life is awesome. College is awesome. My friends are awesome. My boyfriend is awesome. MY GOD IS AWESOME. 

<3 

This Feelings I'm Feeling Now.

The feelings I'm feeling right now have kind of taken me by surprise.  I honestly didn't see this coming, this "me and you," but I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, I am so happy that it came.  Being with you has brought so much into my life - wonderful things I didn't even know were missing.  Smiles that easily spill into laughter, conversations that go longer, deeper into the heart of things...into our hearts.  I'm still surprised by how you make me happier every day... amazed by the ways you make me feel.  And you know what?  Those are the kind of surprises I could get used to.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

You're Always in My Heart.

Well, I know there's a reason

And I know there's a rhyme

We were meant to be together

And that's why

We can roll with the punches

We can stroll hand in hand

And when I say it's forever

You understand

That you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

But when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner

I could have gone another place

Then I'd of never had this feeling

That I feel today, yeah

And you're always in my heart

Always on my mind

When it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Ooh

And you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

And when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Ooh

Only you can love me this way

<3

Here's To You & Me.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm doing something right because when I look at him, it's there. In everything he does to me, it's there. I don't know what it is, but I know that it is there, & it's never going to leave. 


We've come this far and baby I wanna keep going. You are my ice cream on hot days. You are my hot chocolate on the snowy days. You are my blanket on starry nights. And you are the dawn of my mornings. I've never been this happy before in my entire life and boy, you got my friends saying, "She's never been like this before, look at how happy she is!" And I couldn't be more grateful that you are in my life. 


So here's to me and you baby, may we continue to be a blessing in each others lives and to keep the love flowing.  <3 


with all my heart. 
<3 Shelbs.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted :D

Saturday: 

Khris came over to say goodbye for the weekend. :) <3 

We left for Emerald Isle Beach and arrived around 3pm 

We went out to dinner with my grandpa at the Oyster Bar. yum. :D

Sunday: 

BEACHHHHHH :D 

Lunch with dad and sister! 

Really awesome fireworks that night!! 

Monday: 

BEACHHHHHH :D 

Lunch with dad and sister! 

Caught some rays with my sister at a beach area at the end of our street :) 

Home-cooked dinner made by my grandpa! - fried chicken, green beans, mac&cheese, and dinner rolls.........nom. :D 

Shopping on the Island with my sister that night! 

Tuesday: 

On the road back home to VA! 

Wednesday: 

ALL DAY WITH MY LOVE, KHRIS KENDRICK :) 

Movie at his house - Leap Year

Went to the James River for a little bit :) 

Went swimming at the YMCA 

Back to my house for dinner (tacos) and a movie (The Dark Knight) 

Thursday: 

GIRLS DAY WITH MY BESTIE, REBECCA CANNON :) 

Bear Creek Lake for swimming 

Back to Becca's house for more swimming in her pool

Several hours of "girl talk" :D much needed "girl talk" 

Ravioli for dinner while watching August Rush 

Made brownies with ice cream on the top and then sat in bed with more endless chatter of "girl talk" :) 

Friday: 

Went home and packed for Bugs Island with Khris! 

Drove down to the campgrounds at Bugs Island and swam with his family for a little bit 

Went over to my Great Aunt and Uncle's lake house

Went swimming in the lake 

Home-cooked dinner made by my wonderful aunts :) 

Made super jumbo smores!!! 

Watched a little family guy and then passed out on the couch haha 

Saturday: 

Home-cooked breakfast made by my wonderful aunts :) nom. 

Went swimming 

Khris and Kevin went kneeboarding on extremely rough water 

Went back to the lake house 

Went back to the campgrounds to spend time with Khris' family :) 

Headed home  

This week has been filled with so much fun that going back to the grind of work sounds like the most depressing thing ever....but nevertheless. i had fun. :D 

Summer 2010. you are awesome. keep up the good work. <3 

Beating the Record.

My longest relationship has only been 2 and 1/2 months before....and you say that you want to beat that record because you wanna show me what i've been missing and you wanna give me what I deserve. But baby, ever since that first date of ours where we found out we both loved red skittles, you sang Kesha in the movie theater, and I told you that I loved baseball....we've beaten that record.  Time doesn't always exemplify strength and desire for one another.  Its then and there that I knew, even before we really started dating, that you were one of a kind and that this relationship would surpass any "record" that I had with any previous guys.

You make me laugh, you tell me I'm beautiful with no makeup on, you compromise with me and understand that things come up every now and then and that plans may change, you are interested in more things than just sex and you treat me like I'm your one of a kind. I absolutely love that and I absolutely love you.

I never thought that two people could fall in love so quickly but baby when you have such an honest, open relationship like you and I have its so easy to fall head of heels for someone and mean it with all your heart.

Too the many months to come baby, i love you. <3

Mutual Weirdness.

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  

I love you Khris Kendrick. <3

And Baby...its just you and me.

i keep thinking of how much i love talking to you. how good you look when you smile. how much i love your laugh. i daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. i've memorized your face and the way that you look at me. i catch myself smiling again at what i imagine. i wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, i know one thing for sure; you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. <3

When Its All Said & Done.

June 12, 2010.  They say that high school is the best time of your life and I can honestly say that I agree with that 100%.  Yeah, you'll have the fights, the tears, the breakups, the drama, the rumors, and everything else negative...but in contrast...you'll have the laughs, the dances, the pep rallies, the friday night football games, the pranks, and the memories.  All this put together, are the ingredients that makes you who you are.  Without the negatives, you would have never learned to forgive, let go, and move on. With the positives, you would have never known what it felt like to succeed.

To all the teachers, who at times, I wanted to strangle and at times I absolutely loved them...thank you.  To all the students, those who spread rumors....thank you.....those who hated me.....thank you.....those you loved me.....thank you....and those who were my closest friends....thank you.  Its because of y'all that I am me and that's never going to change.

Now to start a new chapter in my life.  College. :)

First Step to the Next Four Years.

Yesterday I went to my freshman(eek!) orientation at Longwood and it was AMAZING!!! I'm so ready for college :) haha I met some other people in my major which make those classes a little more comfortable to be in so that's good!

I signed up for all my classes, got my meal schedule set up, and my dorm with Becca set up :D everything is set to go I'm just waiting on move-in day, August 19th!!!

Welcome to my first semester of COLLEGE:

Mon, Wed & Fri:

Math 101 8-8:50am
LSEM 100 - 10-10:50am
Comm 101 - 11- 11:50am

Tues & Thurs:

Theatre 101 - 9:30-10:45am
English 150 - 12:30-1:45pm

Phys. Cardio 101 - 2-2:50pm




GOOOOO LANCERS!!!!

When You Find It, Don't Ever Let It Go.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the boy that kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.

The one who turns to his friends and says, "that's her."



.....I found him <3

Here In Your Arms.

Your embrace is comforting.
Your kisses are passionate.
Your smile is contagious.
Your laugh makes me laugh.


You're everything that I ever wanted and needed. <3

One Month.

It seems like its been longer than a month since you asked me to be your girlfriend.

I'm so comfortable in your arms and i'm so honest and open with you.  I can tell you anything and you don't judge me or tell me i'm crazy because of something that I believe in.  You understand my quirks and I understand yours.  You accept me for who I am and you don't hold my past against me, you only focus on the here and now with me and I'm forever grateful for that.

This past month has been the best month of my life and I've never felt like this before. Thanks baby! <3

Truly Blessed. :)

He likes me. I like him. He makes me happy. I make him happy. What more could I ask for??

<3

Life is Good. :)

I have amazing friends.
I have a wonderful boyfriend.
I have a great job.
I have a running car.
I have money in my pocket.
I have a full tank of gas.
I have graduation in 5 weeks.
I have college in August.
And I am happy. :)

All thanks to My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without Him, I would be so lost in this dark world.

Enjoy Life.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks.  It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don't run through life so fast, that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find time.  The quickest way to find love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.  It is because we are different that each of us is special.

<3

Best Weekend Ever.

I'm his silly pumpkin noodle.

He's my white smurf. 

<3 

4-24-10

Day by Day... :)

April 3rd. How you've changed my how outlook on my summer...for once I think that this summer will be one that I never forget.  

From late night dates and watching movies at home, you make me feel unbelievably special and unique.  No one has ever made me feel this special...and quite honestly, I can definitely get used to this feeling.

Falling... :)

i've never fallen so hard for someone in such a short period of time. and even though i promised myself i wouldn't risk the chance of getting hurt again, for some reason, when i'm with you, it all seems worth it. 

Ahhhh. :D

The fact that I can just be myself around you, makes being around you that much more exciting. The fact that we can point out our flaws and still see each other the same way, makes me feel unstoppable.  The fact that it feels like I've known you for years and that we clicked right off the bat, makes getting used to this feeling I get when I'm around you that much more special.


:)

Someone new.

And i'm falling fast for you, but i'm ok with that because you're there to catch me. :)

Sick and Tired.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you only make me sad.

For Everything.

This is for every time you built me up just to make me cry. This is for all those things you said that turned out to be a lie. This is for every day I spent alone and I couldn't get out of bed. This is for every night I couldn't sleep because you were in my head. This is for every promise you made and then later on you broke. This is for all the lies behind every word you spoke. This is for every time you brought me down and made me feel like dirt. This is for all this time I kept my stupid dream. This is for all the signs I knew I should have seen.

I have a plan. every time I think about you, or talk to you, I will think of the time you played me. I will think of how crappy I felt, and how hard I cried. That way, I will associate you with pain, and thus it will be easier to avoid you.

Guard.

Tomorrow marks the last competitive day of my whole colorguard/winterguard career in high school. All those years of running, doing push ups, dancing, spinning, tossing, yelling, fighting, crying, and laughing, all ends tomorrow. Guard has become my life. literally. I have spent more hours at practice & competitions than I have at home, work, and school combined.

Because of guard, I have met my 2 best friends. Without guard, I probably would've never became as close of friends as we are today. They have taught me to never give up and to give my all when I felt there was nothing left to give. Heather - my dancer :) she has taught me to come out of my shell and to express myself in performance and in dance. Becca - my flag queen :) you have been there for me through everything and have taught me to give my all. <3

Robyn - 3 years of spinning with her has been absolutely amazing. She has taught me not only to let go of the unnecessary, but to focus on the most important things in life.

Amanda - my rifle BA :) from some sick rifle work to random story time during practice...this girl has pushed me and pushed me to be my absolute best. When I thought that I was the worst spinner on rifle she reassured me that I had some raw talent and told me to keep working bc by my senior year...I'd be popping out 6's...how ironic :P haha

Karen - my intense flag diva :) from catches between my legs, and tosses behind my back and around my feet, Karen has taught me that its not necessarily just about the work...its how well you take that work, interpret it and perform it!

Jamie - the challenging, yet inspiring one :) even though its only been 2 years that I have been under your instructing, I have learned more this season about performing my heart out and to make the best memories out of every obstacle that comes my way than I have in any other season!

 

and last but CERTAINLY not least....Miss Lin - my dancing, performing, awesomely amazing chica :) You have taught me to cross the line of my comfort zone and to perform my dance work off down to the extension of my fingers to the points of my toes. When I would stress over the dance work you always said "Its a solo...it doesn't matter what you do...just make it you and perform your butt off!" and for that reaasurance and I am forever grateful <3

My whole guard family from Ascenstion to Memories...I love each and every single one of you. Even though there were times when I wanted to beat some of you (jk) we still overcame the problem and worked through it as a guard family. The relationships and memories that I have made with these groups can not be described by any use of any word...and the fact that that is the truth should be reason enough to say that I will truly miss everyone and that I hope that everyone continues on until their senior year. There have been PLENTY of times when I just wanted to quit and give up...but I didn't. I kept going and I grew from it and became a better person.

Do not worry....I will visit every so often and I promise to bring some of my spunk with me ;)

 

Love you all! Shelbssss <3

Is it too much to ask for??

I want a guy who will make me happy. Someone who will make me smile when I hear his voice. Someone that will love me no matter what. I want a guy that will make my friends say to one another, "She's happy again."

Smilllllllle! :)

I think i'm fallin' for you. :)