I don't know how to describe it. All I know is that when you aren't around it happens. I'm not who I want to be. You bring out the best in me and without you, the best of me never comes out. By now, I thought that I'd be used to this system that we live our lives by but no matter how many times we separate from each other, it never gets any easier. Love isn't meant to be separated. Ever. Why are we the ones that have to go through it? I guess its what you call a 'learning experience' but I sure as hell am not learning anything other than the fact that we should never be apart. The part that hurts the most is knowing that for the next 8 weeks I can't change any of this. In 2 weeks, I'll have Spring Break and it'll be awesome but I'll get used to seeing him everyday and I won't want to come back...I'll want summer but I won't have for 8 more weeks after that. But for now I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I get to see him every weekend so I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm just so ready to be where I want to be, being who I want to be. That's all I really want.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I want people to try. My biggest pet peeve is giving up. I'm so tired of trying so hard at something to get the end result I want, to only have the person next to me put less than half of what I'm giving. When you mess up, do it again. Don't say "I can't do it" and give lip about it. Just shut up and keeping trying. Yes of course, you may not get things the first time and that's fine...but when it's like the 50th time you've tried and you're still not getting it and LAUGHING about it, that's when I lose it. I'm so done with being on a mediocre team and not getting what I know I deserve. Its another thing when I've spent my hard earned money to be part of a group that's supposed to be above a high school level...I was doing more complex things in high school...give me a break. Today was a fun day but nevertheless a let down...I'm just so tired of disappointment.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Have you ever had a day where you're in a bad mood and you don't know why? There's nothing really specific you place your finger on when people ask, "What's wrong?" Well that's me today. Its not really one particular thing...I think its a combination of things. Stress, distance, personal issues, and just STUFF. I need a break from it ALL. I am usually good about dealing with things and not letting it get to me but for some reason this week has just hit a soft spot that has be down. I oddly miss home. I miss my friends. I miss summer time at the river. I miss random shopping trips with the girls. I miss never-ending summer nights looking up at the stars with Khris. I miss working at Chick-fil-a. I miss having my car. I miss everything. There's no end in sight except for a 2 week wait until Spring Break and an 6 week wait after that for Summer. I know that isn't far off, just getting there is the problem. I think if I was around the people I wanted to be around that getting through it all would make life a whole lot easier. I know there is a reason for all this, I just don't see it now... :/ hopefully somewhere in the stress of this thing called life I'll get a lightbulb moment and I finally begin to believe that everything will be just fine. Until then, I live on a 4 day/3 days system where the latter amount of days are the ones I want to have more of and the former amount, well those are all just a haze to me.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
1. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
2. Beautiful Things - Gungor
3. Say Anything - Cartel
4. Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
5. Samson - Regina Spektor
6. Raise Your Glass - P!nk
7. Song In My Head - Sherwood
8. 321 - Hedley
When I Miss Him:
1. The Moon - The Swell Season
2. Only You Can Love Me This Way - Keith Urban
3. Smash Into You - Beyoncé
4. Paperweight - Joshua Radin & Schulyer Fisk
5. Everything - Tyler Ward
6. Until You - Dave Barnes
7. Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol & Martha Wainwright
1. All Those Nights - Chase Coy
2. Sort Of - Ingrid Michaelson
3. Wedding Dress - Matt Nathanson
4. 1,2,3,4 - Plain White T's
5. Mine - Taylor Swift
6. Collide - Howie Day
7. If the Moon Fell Down - Chase Coy & Colbie Caillat
Touches the Heart:
1. We All Need Saving - Jon McLaughlin
2. A Drop In the Ocean - Ron Pope
3. Jar of Hearts - Cristina Perri
4. I'd Rather Be With You - Joshua Radin
5. Marry Me - Train
6. Smile - Uncle Kracker
7. Temporary Home - Carrie Underwood
8. Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Set it on shuffle and let everything go. <3
This morning I woke up late for my 11am class. I rushed out of bed threw on jeans and t-shirt, put on a hoodie and was out the door. Whatever makeup I had on was leftover from yesterday and I had extreme bed head hair. I managed to brush my teeth and grab a granola on the way out of my dorm but other than that I didn't do anything. I decided to hop in the shower when I got back from class so that I wouldn't look like death on a stick but then I got to thinking, why bother? I don't have anyone to impress here. The only person that ever compliments me on my makeup or clothes is over an hour away from me. Sure I can send him pictures of my outfit and such, but nothing beats hearing in person. I bought new clothes this past weekend and I love them, but the only person I want to show them off to is him. I don't have anyone here who cares what I look like so I feel like all the makeup, the hair products, and the nice smelling perfumes are a waste. Even if I was to see him in the state of attractiveness that I was in this morning he would still call me beautiful...so while I put on this makeup, make my hair look nice, and pick out a cute outfit I can't help but think why bother? Because the one person that does matter won't be in my arms until Friday.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I dance to feel, to relieve, to connect, to love, to live, to embrace, to reflect, to let go, to remember. I dance because its the only thing I can control. I can't control stress, tests, quizzes, papers, or drama. I can't control feelings, thoughts, emotions, or tears. Sometimes being manipulative is a good thing; not of people but of your body with each pointed toe, straight leg, and arm movement. Sometimes its the only thing that makes sense to me. I wish I could go somewhere secluded and just dance...it would make things so much easier.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Today was my 19th birthday. My day was filled with LOTS of facebook posts, streamers, decorations, flowers, dinner, and love. In years past, I never really had a "Valentine"...I was always so happy to have a birthday on the one holiday that made me the saddest because I didn't have a Valentine. This year, not only did I have one amazing birthday but I also had one amazing Valentine. He got me flowers, a card, goldfish, a teddy bear, and a love letter. He was so afraid that I wasn't going to like his gifts...but I LOVED them. Its everything I could've ever wanted.
We have these little things between us where he will give me a challenge that I have to complete in order to get to one of my presents...this time it was a note stuff inside a teddy bear. I had to find the seam that he had torn and pull it apart to find the love letter. I successfully completed the challenge and was able to read the sweetest letter I've ever read. Word can't even begin to explain how happy the letter made me...so happy that I shed a few tears in the process of reading it.
This day was everything I could've wished for and more. Thanks to all my friends and family who helped me become the person I am today...you all are my rock and without yall I wouldn't be here. Most importantly I want to thank God for bringing Khris into my life as well as all my other friends and family...yall all are a true blessing. <3
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Music has always been my escape. I dance to music to feel. I sing to music to express. I listen to music to relate. Music is the one thing that can aid to any emotion whether sad, happy, angry, or excited. Music is the one thing that can make me move like nothing else can; with each beat I hear my body interprets in a different way. With each note, melody, harmony my mind goes off into this land where problems don't exist, stress is gone and sorrows are uplifted. With each word, phrase, and lyric my heart relates and applies it to my own personal life. Every song I have on my Ipod, has a meaning to me specifically whether its emotionally, mentally, or physically.
Before I met Khris I always listened to music that was depressing and sad. That was my life before I met him. I was so lost in the dark that I couldn't find my way out. I didn't know which way was up until that one spring night on April 3rd when I laid eyes on you. From that day forward my days were turned upside down. I felt like I had a meaning. I started smiling again. The one thing that I notice a change in the most was the type of music I listened to. I stopped listening to the depressing songs and bought a new Itunes card to buy happy music. Music that was uplifting and happy. Music that made me smile. I soon realized that the type of music that I listen to portrayed the personalities of the people in my life. And I soon realized that I wanted to listen to happy music for the rest of my life...and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <3
Friday, February 4, 2011
I really wish time didn't exist. Its such a complicated thing to live by. Everything we do in life depends upon time. Either having too much or not enough. Having time go by too fast or that it just drags on. Either way we go, the grass is always greener on the other side. Always.
When I'm at Longwood, I wish time to go by fast. When I'm home on the weekends I wish it would slow down. But I can never win. Ever. I guess the saying of "time flies when you're having fun" takes a whole new meaning when you substitute fun with love. The time I have with Khris is amazing. So amazing that before we both know it, it's Sunday and I have to go back to school...
During the week while I'm at Longwood I feel that time just creeps on and I know that time knows that the most important thing to me is waiting for me on Fridays at 2pm. Because of that it takes its merry time getting there. With every class, every elevator ding, with every goodnight and good morning that I'm just one step, day, minute closer to seeing him. Every time I see 11:11 on my clock I always wish for the same thing...
When I'm here on the weekends....times flies. I hate it. I wish I could make time stop so that I could just be here forever in his arms...to never have to leave or to say goodbye for four days. That's the hardest thing for me. On the weekends when I'm here I sometimes get into "funks", like I did tonight. These moods are undefinable most of the time but tonight I think its a matter of fear. Fear of not having enough time to be with him. Fear of not having the opportunity to tell him I love him enough before I'm out of his reach for four days. Fear of not giving him enough kisses before I'm miles away from him for four days. I know that no matter what, this distance will not tear us apart. Nothing ever can. But just because it can't tear our relationship apart doesn't mean that it can't tear both us apart individually. Sometimes I think that its impossible to get through the week but that's when I have to take a step back from my life and all its stresses and really cherish the time that I do have because no matter what we do, time is something that nobody can change.