19 Going on 30.

I wish I actually felt my age.  I wish that I didn't have the responsibilities of a 30 year old.  When people ask me how old I am I'm embarrassed to say that I'm only 19 because I feel so much older than that.  I really and truly realized that times are changing, people are changing, and that I have to except that.  I can't expect everyone to be the same person they were in high school because we aren't who we were in high school.  That's why there are problems, that's why we don't get along like we did in high school...because we aren't those people.  I'm not saying that we can't still be close and be friends, but its reaching that point in life where the friendship is there, its just a different type of relationship.  To me this makes sense, and to others it might not, but I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm looking ahead to my future, regardless of who comes with me.  I've had a rough week...a week where I had a lot going on and I felt really stressed and this is me putting my heart out there. I can't stress about my friends because I know somewhere along the line there will be issues that we can't avoid happening.  This is not to say that we can't work through them, but we have to be willing to work through them, with the same effort coming from both ends.  That's what I did today and things are fine now, I just realized that communicating through technology like we did in high school, gets me nowhere...you have to confront the situation like an adult and talk face to face.  Maybe this is me ranting yet again...but I have no where else or no one else to rant too.  Think what you may of this post but this is me, 100% just laying everything out.  I have no other way to express the way I feel because I feel no one can understand this the way I do because I am my own individual.  All of these realizations are swamping me all at the same time and its tough...its really tough.  I'm 19, I should be having the time of my life, but I'm too worried about bills, gas money, work, school and its all coming down on me and I can't hold it all up.  I know I have to and in the end I will but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have hardship on the way.  That's what life is about...falling and getting back up again. So when someone asks me how old I am, I'm going to ask them how old they think I am because to me I don't feel like I'm 19.

Speechless.

Can't anyone tell the truth these days? Unbelievable. 

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...and this is why I need to invest in a cute pair of rain boots so I can look just as cute as this lil piggy!! :D


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The Grass is Always Greener....Isn't It?

So its 10:33pm on a Wednesday night and I'm waiting for Khris to get off work and I just finished a butt load of homework.  I don't know what really this post is about I just feel the need to write until I feel like I've gotten it all out.  VCU life is awesome. Words can't express how happy I am here.  From the classroom to the environment I just feel more at home, more like where I'm supposed to be.  As I lay here on my couch, I can't help but think of how blessed I am.  I have my own apartment that's fully furnished, with food in the fridge, with running water, and I have this fabulous couch to lay on.  I have awesome friends who I know would be there for me at any moment, all of them, together, in one room...but that would take a miracle for that to happen.  I have an amazing boyfriend who knows exactly what to say and do when I'm having an off day, like today.  He's my best friend, the person I can tell anything. He's my shoulder to cry on or an embracing hug when I'm happy.  We talk about our future all the time but time prevents us from beginning the plans we want to begin right now and they have to be pushed back years from now, even though both of us know we don't want that at all.  Work is work, same ol' same ol', I work I get paid, that money pays the bills.....such is life.  I'm ranting and ranting, but I feel like this ranting is therapeutic for a day like today.  I'm beginning to realize who I am as a person and where I want to go with my life and I can't wait to put all of these thoughts into action.  I can't wait to be a senior in college and have the same anticipation that I did for high school graduation but only 10x greater! I can't wait to start a career and get married and start a family but all of that is at lease 3-5 years from now.  I need to learn to focus on the here and the now even if the future looks SO much better.  I need to learn to live in this moment not a moment that I'm hoping will happen years from now.  A lot can change in 3-5 year and I have no idea where I'll be I can only hope my plans turn out as I see them now.  I can only hope that my friends will put aside their differences and things will be back to normal but that's a subject for a totally different blog that would be way longer than this one.  But anyway, I have a lot of happiness and a lot of frustration...but all the frustration I have comes from issues I can not change, so why bother being frustrated? That's a great question, if I had the answer, I wouldn't be writing this blog.  I hate that everything has to be about money.  Often times I find myself saying "if I'd had the money I'd totally do it" or "lets eat at home because I don't have a lot of money" or "how much is it? is there one cheaper?" I know that as a college student I'm going to be broke, its a proven fact, I just wish that money didn't dictate my life. In all honesty, generally speaking, my life is going great right now but as everyone will admit, there are issues that we all wish we could change in our lives, but as we all know we can't fix everything; there is always going to be a "the grass is always greener on the other side" aspect of life.