Thursday, December 30, 2010


In this life you have two choices; to rebel, or to follow.  When life is wonderful you go with the flow, you smile, you feel like you're on cloud nine. But what happens when life turns the other way and you feel like you can't get away, you're limited, and you feel like you've lost your wings and can no longer fly? That's when you rebel.  You take matters into your own hands and make the decisions for yourself. You find out who and what will define you.  Don't let it be someone who hurts you, who makes you cry, or who doesn't understand your heart.  Let it be someone who will always be there with you when you can't stop crying because the thought of one thing brings tears to your eyes, who will always reassure you that things will be alright, who, no matter what, will love you regardless of where you come from.

I find these walls a prison.  I feel trapped in this place.  I'm like a butterfly sealed into a jar who can't fly when all my life that's what I've been taught to do.  How will I learn if I'm not released into the world? When I'm not here I'm happy.  I forget about these things and for once I am me. Most of the time though,  I put on a smile and act like everything is okay when in reality my heart aches of sorrow that I can't get away from.  When I twist that key and take my first step through that door I feel a wave of depression come about me and I feel trapped.

How do I find the words to set myself free? I'm a fragile soul who deep down cares more than he'll ever know but he'll never see that happiness because he always causes it to drift away and make the tears appear.  He'll never know that I enjoy being around him and that I enjoy conversations with him.  He'll never know because he spends to much time finding the negatives and yelling about them to other people when it's not their fault anymore than it is his.

This cage I am in has to be broken and the only way to do that is rebel and be who I am regardless of what he says. I am a woman.  I am not his 7 year old daughter sitting on his knee anymore. He's raised me to be strong. He's raised me to know right from wrong. He's raised me to make wise decisions.  But how will he ever know the proof of all his hard work if he never untwists the lid off the jar?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Love Video Games.

Tonight is a guys night. You don't get this very often because all your friends are in the service honoring our country.  You invite me over on a guys night and even though I know full well that it's me and your computer all night while you and your boys yell at your tv screens, I am still thrilled to come over.  You kiss me at random times during the night and you whisper in my ear I love you.  You wonder how I can possibly stand being in a room of 21 year old boys playing video games for hours on end but I'm not just in a room full of boys, I am also in a room with the man I love with all my heart.  I may not have your full attention but just a little attention will suffice for me; a kiss every now and then means more to me than you think; and the whispering i love yous makes my heart beat faster than ever.  As i sit here and watch you play with your boys and you say thank you times a million I can't stop but think that I will marry the biggest nerd ever and that he has the biggest nerd friends ever. 

But regardless of all the screaming, nerdiness, and gun shots radiating in this room, I love video games.  Your mind tries to understand the complexity of how in the world I could ever love such things but the answer is simple. 

You love video games and I love you, therefore, I love video games. 


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tis' The Season...

To smile your biggest smile.
To love with all you have.
To share you happiness.
To snuggle on the couch.
To cuddle under the covers.
To sing you heart out.
To dance like no one is watching.
To let go of frustration.
To give your heart to someone.
To hug with all your might.
To fall head over heels.
To hold someone's hand.
To celebrate someone's presence.
To listen to your heart.
To have tickle fights.
To have a snowball fight.
To watch a million movies.

I know what I'm planning to do this you? <3

Monday, December 13, 2010

Love Is. Love Does Not. Love Will. Love Never. Love Always.

I've finally found you. I finally know what love means. I finally know what it's like to smile and not cry. I finally feel wanted and needed in this world.

Words can't begin to explain this unstoppable feeling I have when I'm with you. I feel like I can reach the stars.  I feel like I'm driving down the highway at 100mph with you without any intention of stopping.  There's no end in sight.

I never listened to my parents or my friends when they said that "love will come when you least expect it" but that's just does.  People think that love is luck but let me tell you. Yeah, love might seem like the hardest thing to find, but if it were easy to find then finding it wouldn't make you feel so alive.  It wouldn't be cherished. It wouldn't be indescribable. It wouldn't be worth living for.

I could go on and on about the wonderful things about love and the joy it brings you but no matter what I say no one will understand because the way I describe our love is only understandable by the two people who are in love.  Every love is different and love means something different to everyone. Personally, love to me means putting the other person's happiness above your own.  Giving and providing for that person with no intentions of receiving anything in return.

Love is not proud. Love does not boast. Love after all matters the most.  Love does not run.  Love does not hide. Love does not keep locked inside.  Love is the river that flows through.  Love with sustain. Love will provide. Love will not cease at the end of time. Love will protect. Love always hopes.  Love still believes when you don't. Love is the arms that are holding you. Love is right here. Love is alive. And love is a place you will fly to.... Love never fails you.

Nothing is greater than this.....right here....right now. <3