Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Here we are...its the end of the semester and I have one week left. Looking back, time flew, but as I sit here on a Friday night at Longwood, when I usually go home, my reason for always going home on the weekend is reinforced. I'm not doing anything right now. I went to a dinner for this leadership thing (which was pointless) and now I'm back in my room...without him. Yeah I have my best friends here with me and I love hanging out with them, but no one else can give me that comforting feeling like he can. I'm so over having to tell myself 4 more days, 4 more days....4 more days. I'm tired of that phrase and I never want to say it again. ever. After I leave Longwood, I'll never have to say it again. I can't express how upset I am at myself for even coming here...I should've have realized before that this was not the school for me. I guess coming here, led me to Lisa, and taught me to be independent, but another thing that I've come to realize is that I'm never supposed to be away from Khris. We are in a relationship because we want to be together. I know that we'll always be together mentally and emotionally but the most important one to me, is physically. I'm not physically with him, and I always feel like a part of me is missing when I'm here at Longwood. These next seven days better fly by because there's only 4 things that I want right now... 1. Everyday with Khris 2. Summer 3. The River and 4. My Best Friends.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I don't know how I can express my words with such passion. I didn't used to be able to spill out my feelings like this before. Before I would look up quotes from other people that explained how I was feeling but I soon realized that they never really got to the bottom of how I was really feeling. I never knew what true feelings were before I met him. Before him I put on a smile...now my smile comes naturally. Before him I didn't really know what I felt...I was almost a numb feeling but I now I know how I feel and I know I'm in love with him. I can sit here for hours and go on and on about this love that we have but not even a million words could express it. All I know is that this love is one of a kind and that I'm never letting go. <3
It's 12:23am and I lie awake thinking of you. I know you are sleeping and I can't help but picture your sweet face in perfect peace while your mind wonders away to your unimaginable thoughts. I'm listening to music while I express these simple words. The song is soft and quiet yet with every beat of the drum and every strum of the guitar playing together in perfect harmony I can't help but to think of us.
"I'll give you all of me, I'll make you mine. "You'll take me and make me your first in line."
I love that line. The meaning within is simple...take me, all of me, and make me yours forever. <3
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
To even try to put the amazingness of this past weekend into words is almost impossible. I just about spent my entire weekend with him, day and night. It was absolutely everything that I imagined it would be. I've been anticipating this weekend ever since April 1st. I thought wow....one whole year. I've never been able to say that. I've never had anything this real, this blessed, this special. For our anniversary I got Khris a collage of pictures made into a puzzle. He loves puzzles. We completed the puzzle saturday night after we got back from dinner at Red Lobster and as I was sitting there watching the pieces connect perfectly and seeing the pictures become clearer and clearer I was amazed at all the things that Khris and I have experienced together over the past year. From the very first picture we took on my church playground to pictures at the beach and at shortpump...it almost seems unreal that we've spent 365 days together in each others lives. I've grown to love Khris more and more each and every day that he's been in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him...my life without him seems like the absolute worst torture I could ever go through. As we were getting ready for bed Saturday night, I looked up in his eyes and told him that he had changed my life. That's so true...I don't even know the girl that I was before I met him. I made stupid decisions and made childish mistakes. I'm so thankful that I made the decision to go to that party on April 3, 2010...if I had not gone, I would not have Khris...I would not have this love...I would not have this happiness...I would not have this awesome second family that I've been welcome into with open arms. I've taken over 500 pictures of us over this past year...and if ONE picture speaks a thousand words, I wonder what 500+ would say? I would like to think they simply say, "I love you." But even that simple phrase doesn't seem to express the amount of love that I have for him. The love I have for him is truly overwhelming. If I can experience this much love in one year...I can only imagine what our future years will hold? <3
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesdays are tough and Wednesdays are long. But Wednesdays are the days that I really realize how much I need him in my life. He works from 11-3 and then 4-11...I get an hour to talk to him. That hour is so precious to us but of course it seems like 1 minute and not 1 hour. Some days I wake up and wonder why I am where I am and others I wake up and get ready for whatever the day decides to bring. No matter the day though, he's on my mind 24/7. I wonder if he's laughing, smiling, thinking of me, or if he's having a horrible day. He has taken over my mind and honestly, I love it. He has my heart, my mind, my soul...everything. I want to share everything I have with him...and I know he feels the same way back. It's such a blessing to never have to worry. I need him in my life, I can't picture my life without him. I've known him for a year and he's been a part of my everyday since then and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I know what we have is special and that it'll last...to be able to say "I love you" and mean it with everything that I am makes me ecstatic, happy, and blessed all at the same time. He's the only one that make my heart beat 90 beats a second but still bring peace into my life. He's the only one that leaves me breathless yet the only one that keeps me breathing. He's the only one that makes me vulnerable yet so safe at the same time. He's got me, all of me...forever.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
So today I dropped my phone in the toilet. It was extremely bad luck that this happened. I had to pee so freaking bad after class today that I just couldn't hold it for when I got back to my dorm room so I stopped by the bathroom in the dining hall. Well its always been my biggest fear to drop my phone in the toilet and so far I've had pretty good luck at avoiding it....until today. I went to set it on top of the toilet paper dispenser and it ricocheted off the wall and right into the toilet. I reacted as fast as I could but it was unstoppable...my phone was ruined. I freaked out I thought "my life is on this phone"...I use it for music, calendar reminders, an alarm clock, and as my main source of communication (duh). My first thoughts were 'I have to get in touch with Khris!" so I got online and went to my gmail account and sent him a txt through my email. I started to get depressed because I usually talk to him before he goes to work tuesday nights and I usually send him cute little pics of me telling him how much I love him because he hates his job so much. When I realized that I wouldn't be able to do that I got really sad. I thought great...my main form of communication is ruined...what the heck am I going to do??? I blow dried my phone for 15 mins or so and then let it sit upside down to air out...about 3 hours later I tried to turn it back on and it miraculously worked! Somehow in all of the panic and sadness I saw a little glimpse of light that said...its gonna be okay. Its weird how things work out like that. I know that this blog is really random and kinda pointless but I thought it would be fun to share! :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I am numb to this feeling. I can't say I'm okay with it and I can't say that I hate it. Actually...I do hate it. I have 3 weeks left and I hate it because its so close to being over yet its so far away. This weekend I had an awesome time with my family...it was totally different than what I was expecting and it makes me want summer even more. The drive back to Longwood is the most miserable hour for me. So miserable that it makes me think why do I put myself through it? and then I see his face in the parking lot every friday and it not until I see his face that I come to realization that he is the reason why I come home every weekend. Next weekend is our 1 year anniversary and I'm so excited that we've hit that special time in our relationship but I hate that its on a Sunday because that means at the end of the day, I have to let my fingers slip away from his for 4 days again...I'm so thankful that we only have 3 weeks left but I just wish they would move along a whole lot faster...but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Its not about name brands. Its not about good looks. Its not about money. Its not about having everything at your finger tips. Its about shopping clearance. Its about being natural. Its about living paycheck to paycheck. Its about working hard for something. I'm not materialistic. I'm not high maintenance. I'm not a barbie. I don't live my life to suit others; I do what's best for me. I've to say what's on my mind and I've learned to be straight up. You can't live life trying to make everyone happy just because you are afraid of what they'll think of you. There will be people in this life who hate you just because of the clothes you wear, the makeup you wear, or the place you work. Am I jealous of people who have everything given to them on a silver platter? Hell no. I'm glad I was raised to work hard for what I want and to cherish it. I was never given money monthly to do as I pleased. I've never not had a job past the age of 15. Life is tough and I'm proud to say that I'm tough too. I've grown a thick skin and I've learned to not let the little things in life get to me. I'm proud of who I have become...and I'll never let anyone change that.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Today is my dad's birthday. I haven't spoken to him in about 2 weeks. I called him wishing him a happy birthday and that if he wanted to talk, then to call me but that if he didn't, that that was fine too. A part of me wants to fix this, but a part of me doesn't. Everyone around me is saying be the bigger person, well quite frankly I'm really tired of being the bigger person. My dad is never the bigger person and he never will be. Why should I make an effort to keep our relationship when he never makes an effort? I am always the one calling, I am always the one compromising, I am always the one apologizing and taking the blame for something he did. I'm tired of it taking the blame. Every time I take the blame its only temporary before we know it, we're back at the same place as we were before. What's the point at trying to make it work? Yeah sure he's my father, and I love him, but at this point in time in my life, I have other things to stress about rather than stressing about whether my own father wants me around or not. I am going to start living my life the way I want to live it and leave the decision on him to change or not to change. I can't worry about this anymore. I have a life to start living, with or without him.
Monday, April 11, 2011
What do you do when you've lost all hope? What do you do when every option you thought would work doesn't? What do you do when crying doesn't fix things? What do you do when being the bigger person isn't an option?...
Just pretend like everything is okay and that nothing ever happened?
I don't think so.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
So I realized today that guard is actually over...usually on Thursday I'm super excited because I'm thinking about packing for my competition and getting away from Longwood. Well this weekend is Spring Weekend and don't get me wrong I'm excited...I just know I'd be more excited about this weekend if I were going home and seeing my friends. Guard is my escape...its my chance to be someone that I don't get to be in real life. That's why I have a passion for performing. Performing, dancing, and spinning my way around a floor with some sort of equipment in my hands always seems to calm me...as this semester is coming to an end, when its get the most crucial it'll be, I don't have the escape that I'm used to having. The only alternative I have from escaping this stressful and overwhelming life is to write how I feel down here. Often times, I take a look at the name of my blog "ChosenHappiness" and I often wonder where is my happiness? Happiness comes from WITHIN. This is a lesson that I need to learn all over again...I've lost my happiness I mean don't get me wrong certain aspects in my life make me happy but a majority of things are bringing me down. I have to learn how to be happy within myself. This is a lesson I will spend my whole life trying to figure out but I'm okay with that because I'll be spending my life with the person that makes me the happiest I've ever been.....at least that's a start, right?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
School is down to the last 5 almost 4 weeks and I'm going insane. I feel like I don't have enough time to juggle everything. I never have time to sit down and breathe. I found out today that I completely missed an assignment I was supposed to do because I failed to read the email correctly. I feel like my grades are slipping away and I don't want them to...I need good grades to get into VCU I am constantly working on something whether it be studying for a test, writing a paper, completing an assignment, or reading for a class...yeah, yeah you're probably thinking to yourself "that's college get over it" but honestly its not just my school work getting in the way. I'm having to deal with a father who is unapologetic...he doesn't understand how to say the word sorry. Should i call or should i not call? If I do call, what would I say? Should I write a letter instead so I don't have to actually talk to him? I have no idea what to do. The person that keeps me sane is an hour away and going through all of this alone is killing me. I know that he'd be here for me in a heartbeat if I needed him here...but I think that going through what I'm going through alone is somehow teaching me a lesson. There's a reason for this...I just don't see it. I've had a headache for the past week almost because I'm so stressed. I can't get rid of it...I go to sleep with it and wake up with it...its never-ending. I just need a release, I need an escape, I need to vent, I need to just let go, I need to just sit down and breathe...but I'm so overwhelmed that doing just that would get me so far behind. I can't handle this, but I don't have a choice. I have to fight for what I want...I want summer and I want VCU but I have to fight this urge to just give up on everything because what I know is in my future will be so much better than what I'm living now.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I'm sitting outside on this beautiful, sunny day, thinking of him. I wish he was by my side. Around me people are walking and I sit and wonder if they are as blessed, as happy, and as special as I feel? In front of me, there is a water fountain. The water falls so effortlessly from one level to the next reminding me of our effortless ability to make each other happy because we're so perfect for each other. The water spouts form the top much like my joy does when I see him each weekend. With the wind blowing, the water sprinkles on me reminding me of how refreshing his smile is. To my right stands a few trees. The branches and the leaves are all swaying together in the wind reminding me of how we fit so well, hand in hand, together. In the distance there is a fire hydrant reminding me of how he is always there to help me through anything; to calm the fire. Up above me, is a blue sky with a few clouds which represents our relationship; the few clouds represent the hard times - distance...and the enormous amount of blue represents our love - always clear and certain. As I sit here and compare him to my surroundings on this gorgeous day I am reminded that there is nothing in this world that could ever take his place. This relationship has blossomed into an unexpected, beautiful flower that will forever be blessed with effortless water, bright colors of happiness, and safe from the harsh rain. He will forever be in my life, and there is nothing that could ever change that. <3