Monday, January 31, 2011

When The Tears Never Come.

This weekend was the perfect weekend. It felt like an endless weekend of love.  Friday was dinner and a movie night. :) Saturday was guard and I love guard so that counts as well :) but was perfect. I got to sleep in while you went to work but as soon as work was over it was me and you for 5 hours straight.  That may not seem like a lot but it is to me now.  As the night progressed on, I tried to not think about coming back to Longwood.  As we laid together and watched House and time creeped up on us I didn't think about it.  We drove to my house, packed my things, and were on our way.  Of course the triple thick milkshakes from McDonald's helped as well.  We talked of school, work and other things while driving and soon enough (time always flies while driving) we were in Farmville.  As I saw my dorm I let out a big sigh and thought to myself...and so the countdown starts all over again.  We went up to the room, he stayed for about 10 mins then it was time to leave...

As we hugged and kissed and said our "goodbyes" I held it together quite surprisingly. I held it together so well that it scared me....tonight was the first night since school has started that I didn't cry when Khris left.  Maybe I'm getting used to this whole routine thing again...but that scares me because that means I'm getting used to only seeing him 3 days a week....and that's not okay.  I don't see this as a good thing and I will never see this as a good thing.  I prepared myself to cry but the tears didn't come. They never did. I know how to handle things when I cry.  I know what it means when I cry and I know what to tell myself when I get upset.  But how am I supposed to handle it when the tears don't come at all?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Just Where I Belong.

Usually I don't blog during the day.  Usually I blog at 12am or 1am, or later when I need to get something off my mind that's keeping me from sleeping.  But lately I've found myself in the middle of the day just sitting at my desk looking at blogs, facebook, email, blackboard etc. and my mind begins to wonder of how I can not wait for the day that he gets down on one new and expresses his love for me in the form of a ring that will symbolize our love for each other for the rest of our lives.  Even though we've only been together for a little over 9 months, my heart is his and has been his since our third month of dating.  Some say we're crazy some say we're perfect for each other. I prefer the latter.

I can sit here for hours and hours and spill my heart out to my computer, but it still won't change the fact that I still have 13 weeks left of this routine that I hate with a passion.  When I look back on it, I wish that I had gone to VCU from the start.  Instead I came here to Longwood.  When Khris and I were talking about college and what we wanted to do with our lives before we started dating, he told me that he wanted to come to Longwood at first, and I told him that I wanted to go to VCU at first but for some reason God changed our hearts.  I know that everything happens for a reason and that there is a reason for this separation but at this moment in my life I don't see it.  Maybe, hopefully, down the road I'll finally understand the lesson that was learned from this.  

Regardless of the distance, I know we'll be together no matter what.  This distance hurts but I have never reconsidered my relationship with Khris because of it.  The fact that I don't have to worry about him cheating on me and vice versa, even though we're miles apart, is a blessing on its own.  Knowing that someone is out there longing for my kiss, my hug, my touch, my love is a blessing on its own.  Having love in my life has rapidly made me realize why everyone makes such a big deal about it. Love is everything I though it would be.  Its smiles everyday, its a good morning everyday, its the kisses on the forehead, its the "you're so beautiful", its the "i love you" everyday.  Now that I have love in my life I could not imagine a life without it.  Khris is everything that I asked for when I prayed for the right man to come into my life.  I never thought that it would happen so soon, even though it seemed like it took forever at the time.  

I know that when I look back on this trial and everything that Khris and I had to go through with each other, that it'll seem like the quickest four years of my life. But right now all I can do is wait for time to move on, wait for the weekends, and wait to once again be back in his arms......just where I belong and will stay for the rest my life. <3

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Going Through the Motions.

Every step I take is another step closer to seeing him.  I'm trying to not just go through the motions of going to class and doing my homework but it keeps me busy and my mind busy from wandering off thinking about the face that he's miles away.  It keeps me sane and that's about all I can rely right now <3 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Happy Tears.

Lately all I can do is cry. Cry about missing him. Cry about kissing him. Cry about being with him. Cry about cuddling with him.  But these tears are not tears of sadness they are tears of happiness.  Now that school has started and we're adjusting to a new schedule of not seeing you everyday, when I come home on the weekends and we're watching a movie together in each others arms I can't help but think how blessed I am, how loved I am.  It is beyond my comprehension how two people can be so in love that not being with them when you have the opportunity to be together saddens their hearts like nothing else can.  Whenever we part I wish I had one more kiss, one more hug, one more I love you.  When he says, "You are the one for me. You are the one that I fell in love with..." words i never thought I would hear in a million years...I simply just lower my head as tears from fall my eyes and he gently wipes them away with your finger. He says, "What's wrong?" I simply respond, "Please don't talk and please just kiss me."

Hold me forever in your embrace. Kiss me infinitely. I am forever yours. <3

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

And So It Begins...

Spring Semester. 

Biology 101 
Psychology 101 
Communication Theory 200 
English 202 
History 110 

Lots of reading. Lots of studying. Two things that I'm not fond of.  Last semester I made out with a 3.1 and apparently that's a good thing haha but I know I can do better.  This semester I am going to focus more on actually getting my work done on time and not procrastinate.  Of course, that's a crazy resolution and nearly impossible but I have no choice.  This semester is jam packed and time management will have to be something I master.  Luckily none of these classes are any earlier than 10am so I get a little leeway on my sleep schedule this semester, which I will definitely need.  Also, I plan to eat healthier and to use my free gym access to the gym that's literally 100 feet from my dorm.  Becca and I have already agreed to buy apples and carrots instead of chips and dip. :)

I came back on campus Sunday only because my mom was off work and she wanted to take me to Wal-mart and stock up on my food supply and such. Khris, of course, tagged along :) we all went to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's and it was delicioso! Only to admit that the only thing in my head was what was coming later that night.  I wanted to stop time and just keep him here with me forever.  Well my mom ended up heading back home and Khris stayed for a few hours afterward.  We cuddled up on my bed and watched The Prince and Me <3 with each kiss, with each hug, with each I love you it was getting closer to the time for him to go.  After the movie went off, we just laid together and just held each other...knowing that we wouldn't get this for the next 4 days when we were used to having it everyday over winter break.  Then the time came...we left the room...went down the elevator...walked outside. I turned and looked at him, gave him a hug, and the tears started swelling up in my eyes.  I couldn't hold them back...why would I try to?? We kissed and hug numerous times and said I love you about a million times to make up for the 4 days that we wouldn't get to say it in person.  When we were holding hands we said our goodbyes and I felt his fingers slip away from mine as a tear dropped down both of our cheeks.  I turned and walked back inside and he turned to go to his car. I rushed back up to my room and pulled the shades up and watched him walk down the sidewalk and up the road.  There came a point where he got so far that the buildings and trees blocked him from my view and it was not until then that it really hit me that he was gone for 4 days...

"It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "What?" "Walking away from you when I knew you were crying."

<3 Forever and Always.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Soup. Sniffles. Stairs. and HOUSE.

This week has been full of a lot of care between me and Khris.  We were both kind of feeling down but Khris had it the worst between the two of us. I fixed him tomato soup and grilled cheeses for about 3 days straight and I absolutely loved every minute of it.  Then it was my turn for something to go wrong. Well I fell down his stairs and got a lovely colorful bruise on my butt and an extremely sore back.  He took care of me and got ice packs and rubbed my back for me.  Now that this week is almost coming to an end and we're both starting to recover and getting back to our normal selves, I thought wow, just in time for us to go back to school.  I've gotten used to this whole "seeing each other everyday" and cuddling and watching numerous episodes of HOUSE all day and all night.  Soon we'll have to adjust back to our old schedule where we'll have to go four days without seeing each other physically. And seeing each other on the weekends will be our most cherished time together.  I know that it could definitely be a lot worse than that but for me and my situation four days is awhile. I'm thankful for Skype, Facebook, and cell phones with picture messaging capabilities for they are what get me through the week but every part of me does not want to leave him.  I won't kisses everyday.  I won't get hugs everyday. I won't get his fingers running through my hair.  I won't get his touch.  But what I do know for sure is that I will get a "good morning beautiful" text message.  A "good night baby" text message.  I'll get a smile everyday.  And I'll get an "I love you" everyday and for that I'm grateful.

Until then, I have 3 days to make the most out of our remaining days together.  Instead of soup, sniffles, stairs and HOUSE. I'll have smiles, laughter, love, and HOUSE. haha :)

Forever & Always <3