Too Late.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel weak...I feel tore apart.  This overwhelming sadness that has taken over my mind and body is so hard to ignore.  When my heart is heavy, I feel like I have this weight on me that no matter how hard I try I can't push it off of me.  I thought crying last night would get it out of my system but that didn't help.  If crying won't help, then I have no other options left.  I wish I had never come to Longwood.  I wish that I had applied to VCU from the start and that I never had to go through what I'm going through. Yeah, I know everything happens for a reason, but right now I don't believe that statement.  Why am I the person that has to go through it? I don't deserve this. Until some lightbulb goes off in this messed up mind of mine I will never know how to cope with this.  I can only hope that one day he'll realize what he's done to me....but by the time that that happens, it'll be too late.

End of My Rope.

I can't even begin to put my emotions into words tonight...but if I don't try I know this will stay bottled up inside of me and I won't be able to function.  A part of me wishes that I could switch spots with him for just one day so that he could really realize how he makes me feel...but then again I don't want to switch spots with him because I would never want to be someone that is so cruel and heartless.  This relationship that exists here is hardly a relationship.  Just when I think that I don't have anymore tears to blame I think about another situation between us that just brings them right back.  I don't understand how you can sit there and watch me cry or hear me cry over the phone and say "yea yea cry all you want and get mad at me all you want but that's your problem." Who does that? Who says that to someone? I just don't understand how someone that is supposed to love you and support you unconditionally can just watch me break down like this.  The sad part is, is that he doesn't see it.  He doesn't think that anything is wrong, he just thinks I'm stuck up. I feel broken, I feel lost, I feel down in the dumps. Regardless of this situation I have to learn how to make the best of it.  I can't change this situation and I don't think I ever can.  If he hasn't seen what he does to me by now...I don't think he ever will.  I spent about 3 hours on Skype with Khris just crying my eyes out because I didn't know what else to do.  I know how to cry and I know that crying helps me. I haven't had a good cry in awhile, so crying tonight really helped me get it all out.  With comforting words from my mom and Khris I feel much better now. I'm just at the end of my rope....I've run out of effort to try to fix things.

Helpless.

What do you do when the person you need a hug from the most isn't with you?

Life Lesson.

Life is all about finding out who you are as an individual. What are your likes? Your dislikes? What are your beliefs? What are your morals? What's most important to you? Where do your priorities lie? What do you want to do with your life? What are your goals? You have to know these things.  You can't just go about life hoping things will fall into place. You have to work hard at making your life what you want it to be.  You can't rely on the help of others to get you there.  This is an inward drive that can only come from you.  Everyone says take one day at a time...and that works for some cases, but when it comes to figuring out life, you can't live day by day. You have to plan, you have to work, you have to dedicate, you have to trust. Without these things...what is life? I slow moving, never-ending guessing game? That does not sound like life to me.  The most amazing part about finding yourself is finding someone to go perfectly along with  who you are.  Your soulmate, your better half, your best friend. This person is there to raise you up and to bring out the side of you that you never knew you had until that moment.  You give 100% to this person just like you have to yourself all your life.  I like to quote this infamous saying, "You can't love others, until you love yourself." That quote is so true.  How do you expect to love others when you don't know who you are or what your heart desires? This quote came true for me a long time ago and I love it.  Personally, I can't explain how blessed I am in my life right now and I can't help but to take it all the way back to my parents, especially my mom, for teaching me the right things and raising me the she did.  I can't help but to mention my friends who have been there to smack me across when I'm going crazy, and last but certainly not least I can't help but to mention the wonderful man that God has brought into my life.  He has opened my eyes to a whole new life that I never saw coming.  He has brought such joy and happiness into my life. 

Live your life the way you want to live it, don't let anybody tell you differently. Ever. 

Indescribable.

Today marks 11 months together with Khris.  Its almost hard to believe that it's been this long because I feel like I've known him forever.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd meet someone so fantastic, so romantic, and so perfect.  Its indescribable.  The feelings I have when I am around him are more than I ever though I could feel.  He's my best friend, I can tell him anything openly knowing that he's always going to have an open ear and a shoulder to lean on if I need it.  Even though our separation with college is tough, I can proudly say that I can handle it.  This experience has taught me so much about myself and my will power to overcome anything.  I'm so blessed to have met Khris and it truly is a fairytale meeting for us.  Two people, who met unexpectedly, and have the same heartbeat.  I could sit here for hours talking about our love for each other and the things we do...but this blog would be entirely way too long for one sitting.  Even within 11 months we have so many memories together...I can only imagine what the rest of our lives will hold.  

To Need an Escape.

Wednesdays suck. Khris usually works all day wednesdays and I hardly get to talk to him.  I'm not complaining or getting mad, I just get so frustrated when I tell him he can call and I'm accidentally away from my phone...that happened today.  I got so upset because I knew I passed up a moment to hear his voice.  I know its minute and not that big of a deal, but it is to me.  I guess I just got too used to spring break where I could txt or call or see him whenever I wanted too. When I'm at school, things change, and that's why I can't wait to get out of here.  I can't wait to get away from seeing couples walk around campus and I'm by myself.  I can't wait to get away from seeing couples holding hands and hugging when my arms are empy. I feel like screaming at them and saying, "You don't know what you have, so appreciate it!"  I'm not myself at Longwood. I go through the motions of going to class and doing assignments...but I'm simply just getting an education.  I need an escape from all of this...and I need it fast.  These 7 weeks couldn't pass by any slower than they are now...

Growing Up.

I'm 19 years old and as far as I'm concerned that's very young.  I'm just starting out my life as an individual and I'm so excited.  I don't wish it away at all but I'm so ready for the next few years of my life.  The next few "mile markers" are so exciting and I can't wait to reach them.  I'm growing up and starting to realize that I'm going to be paying bills, going to the grocery store, and living on my own very soon! A part of me is scared, and a part of me is excited.  I know that I will always have my parents to fall back on, but I have to be responsible enough to know that they aren't always going to be there for me.  As far as short term goals go for me, I can't wait to transfer to VCU, get my own place, become educated and graduate.  As far as long term goals go for me, I can't wait to start my career, get married, and start a family of my own.  There are so many good things coming my way, I can honestly say that I'm truly blessed.  I'm blessed to have such a forgiving God, a supporting family, awesome friends, and a loving boyfriend.  Without them, I wouldn't be able to grow up.  The experiences that I have gone through are a part of me and make me who I am. Thank you to everyone! :)

Baby Please Don't Go.

Only 7 weeks, 49 days, 1176 minutes, 70,560 minutes, and 4,233,600 seconds until I don't have to do this anymore.






I can do this......right? :/

Everything I Could Have Wished For.

This past week has been a fairytale.  I've spent more time with Khris and my friends than I have in a long time.  Movies, Dinner, River, Pictures, Girls Night, Shopping, and more.  I can not begin to explain how badly I want summer because I will have the above ALL THE TIME.  I loved that the weather was so beautiful...it just made this week that much better.  Visiting VCU and hanging out with my besties was an exciting part because I got to see what my future will be like next semester. No more missing Khris and no more of not seeing my friends...

Today was probably the best day I've had all week. I went to Khris' this morning, cooked us breakfast, and we watched a movie on the couch together.  Then we went to Shortpump walked around, did some shopping.  We went to Build-a-Bear and built a bear together with 2 hearts on the inside (his name is Clover) and then had a bite to eat at Panda Express.  After that we went to Watkins Landing on the James to hang out with some of Khris' friends, we ordered a pizza for dinner with my dad and finished the night off with another movie. What can I say? Today was a fairytale...riding around with the windows down, the perfect amount of sun, wearing shorts and a tank and spending the day with the love of my life.  Simply Amazing.

Sadly though, my Spring Break is coming to end and I'm absolutely dreading going back to Longwood for more reasons than one.  All I have to do is get through the next couple of weeks and then I'm free.  These next few weeks are going to be the toughest of them all but with love and support from my friends and Khris I know I can do this.  I have to.  I just have to keep telling myself that when its all said and done...I finally will be where I want to be.

This Is More Like It.

So can I just say that my start to my Spring Break has been fracking phenomenal?!?! Friday: Spent ALL day with Khris just being bums around his house...Saturday: Practice with the Colony and kickin some serious booty at the competition coming in 1st place!  Sunday: Church and then an amazing night with Khris again....and the best part about it??? I don't have to go back to school tomorrow. I don't have to say good-bye for 4 days. I don't have to skype this week.  I don't have to wait for Friday to be in his arms...

I get to see him all week...everyday....like it should be and always be. <3 

**Snaps**

1st place....whaaaa???? 13 point raise....whaaaa???? oh yea...that's how we do!


Get it Colony. <3

To My Momma :)

You've given me everything that i will need to make it through this crazy thing called life.  I know you watched me grow up and I know you want what's best for me and I think I've found the answer to your prayers... He is good, so good...and he treats your little girl like a real man should. He is good, so good...he makes promises he keeps, no he's never leave.... so don't you worry about me. <3

Huge Sigh of Relief.

I'm happy because I get an early start to my Spring Break. I'm happy because I get to see him 12 hours earlier than I usually do. I'm happy because I get to see my friends this weekend and upcoming week. I'm happy because I get to perform soon.  I'm happy because I get Girl Scout cookies this weekend (or I better!) I'm happy because I get to be with Khris for 10 days instead of 3 days. <3

Home is Where the Heart is.

I never make beds. I never did growing up and I got harped on for it...but to this day I still hate making beds.  If I do make my bed its later on in the day, never when I wake up.  I just don't see the point.  Well today, I made my bed and every time I do, I fold Khris' sweater right below my pillows now with Mr. Smile properly right above it.  I sleep with it every night and without I literally have trouble sleeping.  I'm not as lonely at night with it, knowing that I have some part of him there with me.  I realized today that my heart lies in that sweater.  Not just symbolically, but physically.  My heart lies at VCU. I want to be there with him. I want to eat lunch with him. I want to have study dates.  It just doesn't feel right here without him.  I hate walking around campus and seeing couples holding hands and laughing together...I wish I could stop them and say "Appreciate what you have, because you don't realize how good you have it." The anticipation of Spring Break is killing me.  Its two days away and honestly the only major assignment I have left is a research paper due tomorrow...I've gotten to the point in the semester where I hate skyping and I hate sleeping with his sweater.  It just doesn't suffice. But I just have to tell myself that after Spring Break I only have 6 more weeks left. After that, I'm done with Longwood...I never have to come back here and deal with skyping and sleeping with his sweater because I'll have the physical him there with me.  No more walking around campus alone, no more studying by myself at the library, no more wishing and hoping.  Just me and him.......finally together, forever.

Hand in Hand...Together Forever.

I see myself in you

In everything you do.
And when you’re all alone at night
You know I am by your side
Cuz I’m there too

I see me in your eyes
And I’m tears you cry
And when you fall apart
And I’m dying from a broken heart
I’m there too

I see your footsteps in the sand
As you journey on across this land
But if you should fall on your way
Then I will carry you that day
Cuz I’m there
I’m there too
Yeah I’m there too

I see your face in mine
And I know there’ll come a time
When you will take my hand
And I will understand
That you’re there too
When you will take my hand
And I will understand
That you’re there
You’re there too

<3

Daddyo vs. Dad.

I do not know why I still let him get to me.  After all the tears and fighting, he still gets to me.  My mom says it because its because I have a personality to naturally forgive.  Is that a bad quality to have? I can't answer that question.  I never thought it was a bad quality to have but now that I know that automatically forgiving someone when they don't automatically forgive you back can end in heart break.  His words of anger and unkindness still get to me and he still has the ability to make me feel like crap.  I've told myself time and time again that he's just jealous or upset at himself but no matter how many arguments we get in I always feel like its my fault.  Its a roller coaster ride with him and I feel like I'm on a blinded ride never knowing when the good times or the bad times are coming.  I guess its just the simple expression of one word that sets him off but I never felt like it bothered him until he said something tonight.  I fee like he wants to make the relationship as impersonal as possible. I can't break through his wall. Why? I will never know.  I didn't say anything back except for okay because I didn't want to get into another argument with him before I left to come back to Longwood.  I didn't want stress already coming back to Longwood, I have plenty of it while I'm here.  I just have it shooting from me from all directions and I can't stop it.

Mr. Smile

I don't know what's on my mind tonight.  I don't have anything specific to talk about.  I just feel the need to just type and get feelings out.  I don't have much to express other than the fact that I'm dying from the amount of stress in my life.  Of course all my professors are trying to cram every test and project in the next two weeks before spring break.  When I get into these moods where all I can do is just sigh I put on my headphones and just listen to music.  Its the only thing that keeps me sane...besides the fact that Khris is always there for me.  I honestly don't know how he puts up with all my stuff haha I spill so much on him and vent him to about so much stuff.  I guess that's when you know that your significant other is your best friend; when you can tell them anything without holding back or second guessing if they're going to judge you for what you say, feel, or do. For Valentine's Day I told Khris that I wasn't much of a "teddy bear" kinda girl...but he got me one anyway with a little something extra on the inside which made it special.  I guess that I never really got a teddy bear from anyone that really meant anything to me like Khris does.  Well his name is Mr. Smile and whenever I feel down or just need something to hold onto, its me and Mr. Smile 100% and it works! Whenever I grab onto him I just feel the happiest that I feel when I'm with Khris, radiating out from him and it helps with everything I'm going through.  I guess I could consider myself a "teddy bear" kinda girl now, but I'd rather hug my Mr. Smile in person. :)